{keep holding on}

i told piper the other day that i wish i could put her in my pocket and carry her around with me. i made up an elaborate story about how she would be safe and warm and (as she likes to say) “comfy cozy” in there, and i would give her little snacks and kisses throughout the day. while we both giggled at the thought, i wasn’t at all joking. sometimes i look at these little girls and imagine all of the things that are coming their way. and i start to get nervous.

there will be disappointment, fear, unanswered questions that keep them up at night. hearts will be broken – by friends, by boys, by each other. by me. and it’s at those moments, when i’m fully aware of the realities of LIFE, that i want to wrap them back up in their little newborn swaddles and protect them from whatever is around the corner.

i was talking to my lovely friend sarah the other day – being so far from home, these little exchanges of familiarity are like christmas morning and my birthday all wrapped up in a beautifully wrapped package. on this particular call, we each had just a few minutes to share what was happening in our lives and worlds and hearts. and on both ends, the updates were hard. we both needlessly apologized for sharing such gloomy news, but then commented on how that’s just real; that’s just life. for every dash of joy and sprinkle of beauty, there’s going to be a pinch of sadness or a drop of pain. it’s life.

and it’s this reality – that hard things WILL happen, that makes me want to keep my girls young and innocent and carefree for as long as possible. i’m not ready for them to know rejection and insecurity, not yet! but i’m already seeing little glimpses of life’s disappointments surfacing in piper’s tender heart. it’s coming. and as much as i would love to slooooow down time, i know that’s not realistic. so i’m accepting that all i can do is trust and pray and do my best (our best) to equip them with the right mindset, the right hearts, the right beliefs to navigate their way through the dark times.

i’ve started thinking lately about things i want them to know – what have i finally learned at thirty(five) that would have been helpful for me at twelve, or fifteen, or good lord, even at thirty(four)?

build a community of girlfriends. invest in it. nurture it. i wrote about this recently – that my girlfriends, my troop, my tribe, these girls have sustained me and carried me and supported me through my adventures. they cheer for me, cry with and for me, and i have no doubt that if a**es needed kicking on my behalf, they would fight over who went first. i pray constantly for my girls, that they will know the beauty of true girlfriends. friendship without jealousy, without boundaries. the tribe doesn’t have to be big, just loyal and honest and THERE. and i hope they my girls will quickly learn that it can’t be a purely selfish thing, this friendship. there must be give for the take. there must be calls made for the calls received. it won’t always be balanced, but the intention must be made. to deposit as well as withdraw.

realize that the world doesn’t revolve around you. oh, the countless hours i’ve wasted wondering what others think of me, if what i said or how i said it was offensive, if everyone noticed that my jeans are tight or my nail polish chipped. thank goodness for my husband, who gently reminds me that “they probably have other / better / more relevant things to think about than YOU.” everyone needs that honest reality check. i want my girls to arrive (earlier than their mama) at a place where they are free from the anxiety and second-guessing and wondering – and realize that while no one is perfect, we are all enough.

forgiveness is a beautiful gift – to yourself. holding onto anger or resentment only hurts you. let go. give grace. i’ve seen hearts hardened for things that happened years ago, lifetimes ago. and ultimately, holding onto that pain (while very real), will only hold YOU back from fully embracing the beauty.

just keep holding on. i’m so touched by the whole “it gets better” campaign, which was built in response to the bullying epidemic that surrounds us. while so simple, it’s so true. IT DOES GET BETTER.  it’s funny (funny strange, not funny ‘haha’) looking back at the things that consumed me when i was younger. piper recently has been very concerned about how i wear my hair – and while it makes me laugh when she makes these bold requests (demands) that i wear my hair down (no ponytails!), i can also see that she’s absolutely serious. i was telling a girlfriend about it the other day, and laughingly said that piper’s going to have a rough go of it if she’s concerned about things like mommy’s hair. but then i remember back to the things that occupied my thoughts at this age – things that i was embarrassed by, or fixated on. now, of course, they seem so trivial and ridiculous. but when your world is small, even the little things seem huge and all-consuming. i hope i can remain sensitive to this, but also help them see the world and life with a broader view, with perspective and objectivity. if nothing else, i pray they will know that it gets better – JUST KEEP HOLDING ON.

even as i’m writing this i know that my girls will need to figure out all of this for themselves. i will guide, share stories, be real and honest and offer my opinions and point them towards examples and the word and hold their hands in prayer and do everything i can to spare them from … whatever. but then i remember that the life lessons that i am most thankful for, the ones that truly shaped me, are actually the ones that came during the pain, during the heartbreak and uncertainty. to hold on, to push through, to continue to believe, even in the midst of it all … that i wouldn’t trade for anything.